ON RULES, AND BREAKING THEM

Fear begets rules. “Stay at home whenever possible.” “In public spaces, stays at least six feet from others.” “Wash your hands as often as possible.”  And so on. I write this in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, but there are plenty of other examples. Rules are nothing new, or course; in fact, they’re the very stuff of existence for any social species. In urgent and certainly in catastrophic situations, new rules emerge, and often they are articulated explicitly  “Each adult is allotted 1 fresh egg per week.” “People must remain in their homes after 8 pm.” “If your gas tank is more than half full, you may not top up.” “Turn your lights off at night so the enemy can’t figure out where to drop their bombs.”

Of course, rules don’t always require special circumstances, not at all. Our heads are full of them, and they have been since we were young children. “Don’t hit people.” “Don’t interrupt.” “Share your toys.” “Don’t take other peoples’ things.” Robert Fulgham made a highly successful career out of pointing that out to us. As we grow older, the rules become a little more complex, and not always as clearly articulated. And then there are the ones -- seemingly endless in number -- that are rarely articulated at all. “Don’t touch other people without at least their tacit permission.” “After you enter an elevator, turn to face the door.” “If you are one of a small number of listeners, smile appreciatively when someone seems to be seeking agreement or approval.” It can get pretty complicated, but somehow most of us learn the rules that apply.

But let’s get to the central question of this inquiry: Why? Most thinking folks would have a ready answer, and it would go something like this. ”In order for any society or community or family or any other social group to function, it has to have rules, rules that its members understand. They are the “grease” that lubricates the social machine.

And indeed they are. But is doesn’t end there, as any animal ethologist would tell you. Animals that live together in groups not only have social organization, including provisions for things like food sharing, dominance and decision making, mutual defense, and procreation, but also rules to go with them. This is true not only with higher primates, but with all other social animals, right down to ants and less. This is hardly surprising, since social groups, right down to families and bonded pairs, can’t function well without rules.

Let’s put aside for now the question of where rules come from and ask just what rules are in the first place? Rules are simply principles that individuals are expected or required to follow. But behind this definition lies almost limitless complexity. For, rules, as has been said, were made to be broken. And those are wise words indeed. Because with almost every rules comes a host of situations in which the rule is best ignored. It would be one thing if the only rules we could break were nonconsequential anyway.  Don’t spit on the sidewalk? Always offer an old person your seat on the bus? Wash your hands before you eat? Sure. And what if you don’t? But it get more complicated. Should you hide things from your spouse? No? What if it’s the fact that you look at porn videos after they go to bed? Should people be punished with a fine for ignoring stop sign? Yes? What if you were chatting and just didn’t notice the sign, but no one else did either. Should you report yourself to the police? If you realize after leaving the grocery that you forgot to put the 12 -cent jalapeno pepper in your cart onto the conveyor belt, should you go back in the store and insist on paying for it? Really? Should we always be honest? Even if it hurts someone’s feelings? Or destroys their marriage? Should thiefs be punished? Should you be arrested for taking office supplies home for your family’s use even though your employer paid for them? Is it okay because “everyone” does it? What about the ultimate crime?  Is it always wrong to take a human life? What if that person just raped and brutally murdered your little girl? Would it at least be okay to strike and injure that person? The list goes on. And on.

This is what makes the social landscape so difficult to negotiate. And the various examples offered above cause us to recall an old aphorism: “ Rules are made to be broken.” That isn’t literally true of course, but it reminds us of what we all know but don’t say: Rules need to be coupled with a measure of practical judgment, otherwise known as “common sense.” And, some would add, a measure of healthy skepticism. Follow the rule, except when it makes more sense overall not to follow the rule. This caveat doesn’t just apply to society’s rues, it even applies to governmental laws. Here are two or three examples, to which the conclusions are obvious. It is illegal in Indiana to attend a public event after eating garlic or an onion. In Eureka, Nevada it vis illegal for a man with a mustache to kiss a woman. It’s against the law In Washington state to buy or sell meat on Sunday(!). I could go on.

And as for society’s rules, it’s hardly much better. Wash your hands before you eat? Who can deny the wisdom of that rule?  Yet how often is it observed?  I don’t know about you, but for me, having walked into uncountable restaurants for uncountable meals over the years, I could count on one hand how many times I’ve seen people head to the restroom for handwashing before eating. Thank goodness for that, otherwise our immune systems would get no practice at all. Still, as we’ve all learned of late, there are often very good reasons to wash your hands.

All things considered, it seems reasonable  to apply the following filter to every rule, whether implicit or explicit, the first time you encounter it: Always ask, “When or when not? What if I don’t?” Because you have a choice: You can be a rule-follower in principle (and we have some of those), or you can rise to the challenge and deal with every situation in its full context. The best way to avoid mindlessness is to apply this filter to every rule that is new to you, and indeed to many that you’ve run into before. Only then can you come to realize explicitly that (1) you almost always have a choice, and that (2) choices have consequences. And it’s when you weigh those consequences against whatever scale of values and ethics that you want to live by that you can proceed as a self-aware, and a more self-certain actor. By the way, the sooner we help our children to begin applying these criteria to their individual choices, the better off everyone will be.